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jenn760

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Jenn760	jenn760	Lead	[-]
Posts: 11 (02/21/08 09:18:28) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None Hey everyone, not sure if anyone would remember me. I used to come here and post my journal about my addiction but then just stopped because I got into using really bad again. I'm coming back because now I am finally ready for recovery....I ended up getting pregnant with my boyfriend and we got married. Not something a 22 yr. old meth addict with 5 yrs. of abuse is really ready for when they still want to go out and party and use. But it helped straighen my #$! out I suppose. The last time I used was the day after I found out I was pregnant...apparently I was already about 3 weeks into the pregnancy before I found out.....and I had been using that entire time because I had bought quite a bit and I didn't want to waste it, ( you know how that goes) so it was really hard but I stayed clean for the whole 39 weeks and 6 days and then a month after my beautiful daughter was born. Then the urge came like never before, I wasn't pregnant, I didn't have to worry about hurting my baby. My husband is off on weekends and I used the excuse I needed to get away from the house and the baby and said I was going to my parents 25 minutes away to do my laundry, (which by the way I did do) but I made a trip to an old aquaintance's house to say whats up and see how he was doing, happened to be that he had just picked up, and offered to smoke a bowl. I took two hits, in fear that my husband who had a previous 10 year addiction to meth would be able to tell when I came home and would throw me out if he knew. A week later I was back at the dudes house before I had to go to grocery shopping and bought a sack. Its now been about a month and a week and I haven't gone back, because all you who have babies know that in the first months its hard to get away and do anything let alone have the time to get out and wait for a run around to find a sack. I have these crazy #$! dreams every night that I'm getting high and I wake up wanting to just take off like I used to. If it wasn't for my baby I would be out there like no ones buisness using several times a day like I was. I have days of resentment and regret of not using protection because I want to have my old life back when I could just get up and go and do what I wanted and now I can't. I'm not saying its a bad thing cause its not, its making me stay off the streets and out of trouble. I just wish its cause I WANTED to stay clean not cause I have too. Every time I go to the store I have to pass by my old aquaintances house and I've made it a habit of having to look down the alley way that I used to drive down several times a day almost every day and my hands want to turn the steering wheel to the left but I pass by and I get this bad yearning in the pit of my stomach that wants me to turn back, but of course I keep going straight. I can't figure out how my husband stays clean, I'm sure he gets the urge, but he doesn't talk about it, so I feel like if I talk to him about mine, which this past week has been just loaded with urges he would get the wrong idea and think that I'm going to go out and use. What helps him is that he's been plugged into the church for like 2 years and he plays guitar for a youth group. I haven't gone to church since the baby was born because either I'm too tired or I don't want to have to deal with getting ready, getting the baby ready and then worrying about having her cry in the middle of service, so I would rather stay home and deal with the mad cravings on my own. then I remembered this site and thought it couldn't hurt to start my journal over in hopes of finding relief.
OKLastone	welcome back	#1	[-]
Posts: 413 (02/21/08 12:27:21) SkyzBoardSupporter Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hey Jenn, welcome back, coming here is a step in the right direction. I wish I had magic answers for you, but there are none. When my daughter was born, I was 30,.....I felt as though I had finished sowing my wild oats. Staying home with the family was what I enjoyed, but not enough to stop meth.......I'd score then just get wired at home, play with the kids, do stuff around the house. Meth still called me tho. So dont be too hard on yourself, it's what meth does, to a LOT of us. Are you afraid your husband will get the wrong idea? or is it possible you have a fear of him knowing wont allow you to sneak off and use?? just a thought. I dont want to preach to you about what you should or shouldnt do, but I'll tell you what works for me, and also quite a few others. Hiding the desire to use is an open door "to use" Being able to talk about it, the cravings, the "want" of the whole deal around the use of meth helps to get it out in the open. Even with quite a bit of clean time, I still get urges and being able to talk about them helps more than I can express in words. Feeling like some kind of freak because of a desire to do something that is so messed up, then being able to vent, to release all those feelings to someone who understands, has been there, knows what it is like......it's like a weight being lifted off the shoulders. Your husband has found the church, and it does seem to be helping him. AA, NA 12 step programs speak of the "higher power" to many it is GOD. this doesn't mean you have to become a born again, a holy roller.......There are many Gods, even more "higher powers" . What exactly that means to you, YOU have to figure out. For me getting into touch with my higher power has been more powerful, giving of more strength than I had ever imagined. FAITH, find it, have it, hold it within you. It doesn't have to be a "church" thats just a building, REAL church is within us all. Let's just put the meth use aside for now, and start with what's important.......your family! . What's it take for a family to be just that a family? COMMUNICATION, LOVE, RESPECT, SUPPORT, and a willingness and WANT to do and be all of those things. It feels like hubby is off doing his thing, then there's baby, and then you doing your thing........Good and bad, you are ALL in it together and should work it all out together.......a strong foundation will survive everything thrown at it. If hubby takes it wrong, then how good of a hubby was he?? just my opinion......besides, ya always got us to talk to. we been there, done that. and always want to and willing to help.........and YES!! it does get better....for the longest time "will it ever get better?" was a question I cried out many times a day after I had quit. IT DOES GET BETTER, and it is worth the effort, I promise you. peace, strength, courage, love and light guide you Never go faster than your guardian angels can fly
Jenn760		#2	[-]
Posts: 12 (02/21/08 20:43:50) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks for the reply...I see what your saying...I used to attend NA meetings but would just go to them high or coming down and go use afterwards...I was going to church with my husband before we got married and during my pregnancy and found peace inside myself....now that I've stopped going for this short time I've found myself fighting more and more....I am a born again christian and am planning on being baptized with my husband as soon as the baby is older. Even christians or anyone who believes in whatever GOD or High Power as you put it, has their slip ups you can only ask for forgivness and the stregnth to not do it again....I don't know...but it feels good to be back on the boards where I know I can have support from people who understand and not have to be scared of saying what I feel and being judged...thanks again
OKLastone		#3	[-]
Posts: 415 (02/24/08 16:55:06) SkyzBoardSupporter Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Just thought I'd say hi and see how you were doin?? Never go faster than your guardian angels can fly
Jenn760		#4	[-]
Posts: 13 (02/25/08 19:45:33) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I'm doin pretty good...could always be worse right? My ex boyfriend, who I can just go on and on about because of all the crap we've been through, from drug use, to his run ins with the cops. getting us raided by the narcs, and me staying with him through his being in and out of jail three different times, just got out of a 2 1/2 year prison stay for GTF. I had taken all of his belongings to my house to make sure his mom (also a drug addict) wouldn't pawn them off for drugs...those would have been his only things so I kept them safe for him. well he got out and called me three days ago to take him his stuff....it was really hard for me to see him because of the fact that I ended up leaving him while he was half way through his prison term, got pregnant and then got married, he would write telling me to please re think everything and not make any mistakes and begged me to not get married. What I'm really trying to say here, is that I was screwin around with another guy (obviously) while he was in prison, I mean come on it gets lonely, things happened that I didn't mean for to happen, I planned on going back with this guy when he got out of prison, but I wanted to do the right thing along with the guy I got pregnant by so we got married, we loved eachother. Anyways, when I saw my ex it brought back so many memories and I'm not sure I'm over him, I thought I was. So to make sure I met up with him the next day, I had to go grocery shopping but stopped to see him before I left to the store to see if there was still something there between us. I think there is, and thats scarey. We've been talking ever since he got out my husband doesn't know about it, since he goes to work at 3a.m. and doesn't get home til 2 p.m. then has school nights, and a second part time job one day a week, that makes plenty of time for me to stay in contact, but I have do whats right and remember that theres a baby involved....I've been fighting with myself ever since he came back into my life.
OKLastone	Re: jenn760	#5	[-]
Posts: 417 (02/25/08 23:51:49) SkyzBoardSupporter Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	{{I have do whats right and remember that theres a baby involved.}} Can't say as it is mine or anyone elses place to say what would be right for you, but that statement you made means so very much, and that is what it has to be all about. IMO. Old feelings can be a %@@!#, funny how the good memories stay and the bad ones fade over time.......dont make any rushes to decisions, take your time and think!! be smart in whatever choice you make. there is a baby that depends on you. I wish you and your baby all the best in the world....be well, be safe, be smart. may the great spirit give you the wisdom to follow your true path. Never go faster than your guardian angels can fly
Jenn760	na	#6	[-]
Posts: 15 (02/27/08 23:08:42) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Don't really know what my hang up is tonight...usually I would have been in bed almost 2 hours ago....but for some reason just can't sleep and its 1 minute till 11. so i figured I'd finish off the 12 pack of smirnoff I bought yesterday...their too damn sweet...and my stomach hurts...but what the hell. been watching tonight shows since I think about 9 and their all the same to me just a different host....Jay Leno is pretty funny...but Conan..what a freakin moron. I'm craving pretty bad right now....I think 11 is late...I remember being high and getting stuck on crossword puzzles or that computer game called Dynomite (highly addicting...especially while tweaking) and thinking damn its already 6 a.m. I need to go to sleep..lol. I remember having to pretend I was sleeping around 4 or 5 in the morning cause my dad would be up in his office working and my mom is a religious jogger and usually she would come in my room to see if there was anything I had that she would want to wear.....and if they knew I was awake at that time...then they would know I was back into my old ways again....it was so hard to pretend to be asleep...almost like your eyes have a mind of their own and just want to pop open at any moment without you knowing or being prepared. I don't know if I'm talking about this because I'm glad its over and I'm not doing it anymore or if its because I miss it.....miss not having a worry in the world except for when I would get high again...not having to worry about keeping a husband happy even if it means I'm not and not having to worry about taking care of a tiny person who has no idea what the world is yet. So even though drinking isn't any better then getting high at least its legal...and it keeps me sane for now.
Jenn760	I'm Back!! ;0)	#7	[-]
Posts: 18 (05/17/09 09:33:38) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Wow, its been over a year since I've come back to this website. I've been clean for a year and a half, though I still have strong cravings to just drop what I'm doing and go smoke a bowl, somehow I distract myself from doing it. The hardest times are when I have dreams that I'm using, those dreams seem to last longer then you want compared to the ones that end and your like "ah man I wanna stay asleep, that dream was good." Had a pretty bad one last night, and its been bothering me ever since I got up this morning. The devil is messing with me, he knows that I'm at home alone, no baby, no husband for at least half the day I could easily go out and score. At least I think I could, don't know if the guy I would get high with still does, wait...who am I kidding, 98% chance hes got a sack right now. Anyways, that dream I had really got to me, so I figured I'd stop by here and just vent a little. I will never understand how something that cuases so much damage to our minds and bodies makes us want it sooo bad. As I sit here I can picture myself lighting up a bowl and see the smoke swirling around waiting for me to inhale it...I already know how it would make me feel...I would get a rush the minute it hits my bloodstream, giving me goosebumps and a surge of energy I haven't felt for the past year and a half. But then I know what kind of cycle would begin and it wouldn't end up being a pretty one. To use? or Not to use? that is the question that plagues my mind off and on throughout the weeks. To Use? Ok, for awhile, then family starts noticing, co workers, might notice something weird going on, maybe do a drug test on me. few months down the road all symptoms are apparent, weight loss, sleepless nights, missing work. Weight loss the only good thing out of all the things listed above. Then Family ends up leaving or kickign me out if I don't leave first, lose my jobs, lose myself. But at least I would have given into my urges and satisified what my mind was most craving, now the voices are silenced, but new ones have appeared, paranoia strikes...man, that was the worst, I would be up in motel rooms posted at the door for hours with my ear against it or looking out the peephole making sure cops weren't swarming my room...and making myself believe the vans parked below were narcs ready to bust down the door, which most likely they were, cause the next morning the manager came knocking and as soon as my boyfriend at the time opened it four cops barged in. Right when I was fallign asleep too and gave up the peephole. Not to use? everything stays the same, deal with lifes daily stresses and pains and just having to deal with it instead of burying it with chemicals, feeling tired from working two jobs, chasing a 17 month around and not having to time to get anything done, and a husband who is hardly ever around, and when he is he's sleeping...hmm..I appreciate the help from the one who helped me get pregnant (if only that statement was true). So asking myself those two questions and answering them should have gave me my answer right? I wish. I want to use, but I don't want to lose my family, I want to use, but I don't want to lose my jobs, I want to use, but I don't want anyone finding out, I want to use, but I don't want to be back on this board a year down the road asking the question, To get clean or stay addicted? Its a revolving cycle that I'm assuming will never really go away. I'm just going to say from experience its not easy to stay clean but its easier to stay clean then to bring yourself to start the process of getting clean. I guess I just have to remember what I went through the first few months when I had to get clean, and the detoxing. All in all, yea I want to use, but I don't want to lose everything again and have to start all over if I ever decided to get clean again, IF I ever decided to get clean, I know I wouldn't the only reason I did the first time was cuase I was pregnant and I'm not that selfish enough to harm an innocent human life. I'm not so sure I would have the opportunity to get clean again cause I dont have that kind of will power to do things just cause I want to. So, I'll continue to be tired, continue to hardly ever see a perfectly clean house, continue to have to exercise to keep my weight down, continue to lead the life where you say "same thing different day" but continue to have my family, my life, and whatever other blessings the Lord may bring my way. Last Edited By: Jenn760 05/17/09 09:38:04. Edited 1 times.
Skyzthelimit		#8	[-]
Posts: 4178 (07/01/09 18:24:42) Meth Madness Owner,Chat Monitor Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thank you so much for posting an update. I've been going through some medical procedures and working my tail off at work so I'm only just now reading this update. I'm a stranger to you however I'm proud of your will to obtain the things that are important and it's wonderful your strength that pours out in your post. Keep us updated from time to time as I'm sure your story is helping 'someone' that is browsing the boards reading what we go through. Good Luck and God Bless ~Sky

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